korean odyssey

hi there, balls here, alive and ... freezin'
its minus 15 degrees here in okpo town of south korea. i am like covered from head to toe in all of the warm clothing i have. its a first for me. never bin to any place this cold. oooh.
well, i landed at the seoul airport and couldnt get a booking for a flight to jinju which is near okpo. so, guess what, we drove all the way. 10 hour drive. it was wonderful, the countryside i mean, beautiful mountains, snow covered. experienced my first ever snowfall. absolutely awesome. we got out of the car once and i opened my mouth and tried to catch some snow. did to. it was cool. pity, my colleagues and my agents were not interested in a snow ball fight. spoil sports, all of 'em. the drive was good. my company's agents had arranged for the car, a Hyundai 4x4. sexy car man. we seldom went below 100miles/hr. inspite of the deadly traffic on the korean freeway, we made it in good time. am not aware of any previous records but i know we were somewhere in the top. the freeway had traffic because of the Lunar New Year's exodus. everybody embarked on their homecoming exodus a day before SOLLAL or the Lunar new year. allow me to explain. the lunar new year holiday period is from sept. 22 to 25, sept. according to lunar calender which is sometime in jan. ( i will check up on this funda and post it later ) so lotta people left the capital city area and moved south to wherever they lived. the festival actually begins with everyone offering their prayers to their ancestors. then the younger generation gets the blessings of the older (money involved, i heard. my hotel manager doesnt like the idea cos now that he's older he has to give money to his children, not a healthy thing, he feels) followed by plenty of eating. reminds me, i am yet to try the traditional korean food, which my colleagues dint like. korean food, not a craze among indians. heard that, 90% of korean food does not make use of oil. how abt that.
korea is among one of the advanced countries and it takes pride in its tradition and cultural heritage, not unlike us indians. korean people are very polite, courteous i mean, kind, generous and u will find them to display a genuine concern for u. i am having lotta trouble cos not many speak english and my childhood experiences with dumb charades has come in handy. made quite a lotta friends, cant tell u how many, since they all look the same and i am not sure if i introduced myself to the same person more than once.
visited the Daewoo ship yard, where my ship is. i deem it an honour to take delivery of the ship on behalf of my company. feel bloody lucky. brand new ship. like a virgin, if i might add.
i am gonna go easy on her. was on her for a few hours only. felt so good.
well, going for the trial run on 27th, for abt a week and then back to the yard. the official delivery date is feb 14th. on st. valentine's day. i wonder if that is a sign ...

that sinkin' feeling

got that sinkin' feeling again.
am supposed to join a ship from korea next week. this one also is built to carry crude oil. dont know its route yet. actually its a brand new ship. am going to korea to take delivery of the ship. right now its under construction at Daewoo shipyard in south korea. will be out of the dock by mid feb. i hope it can float. got a queer sense of anxiety. quite like the expectant father pacing outside the labour room, waitin for his wife to give birth. ( sherl, i think u would understand how i feel, good luck with ur baby). i am waiting too, for the 'water to break'. the past few months on land have been wonderful. surely gonna miss the life on land. life at sea (minus the work) is also wonderful. at times i feel that there is nothing more magnificient than a ship at sea. it all comes down to grass on the other side which is a lot more greener because its astro-turf (wow! cant believe i said that) or in my case water on the other side. that reminds me, when u stand on the port side (left) of the ship all u can see is water. when u stand on the starboard side (right) of the ship again all u see is water. gives u a strange sense of deja vu. i call it deja view. is my life easier cos both sides are the same - nope. the complication tends towards infinity.
well anyway, i hear this ship has got state of the art communication system, (everything is via satellite). good news is the ship would have an email account. will post it as soon i learn about it, so that u can keep in touch. but hey, dont send forwards, pornographic images or love letters cos its a common account for everyone on the ship and hence zero privacy. of course, dirty stuff can be sent provided they are in encrypted form. send me the code first. i hope they have a violin on board. yup, i am in love with the voilin these days. u would too, if u listen to western classicals. happens yaar, u know, while i was following rock music, i was hooked onto the guitar, the g-string to be specific. but now its just 'fiddling' with the violin. pity dont have the time for these things. envy u people on land. a little spot of warning if u are interested in learning how to play the violin. u better learn it well before any public performances cos if the public gets angry things can get really dicey. look what happened to julius caesar. poor chap was fiddling when brutus stabbed him in the back. er ... i have a faint recollection of something burning in the background, just cant put my finger on it. anyway, bugger had the time to say " u 2 brute? " before he died. i wonder if he was asking brutus whether he was also using the same deodorant "brut". cant say. these romans are crazy.
my dear friends, if u have any final words of wisdom before i join the ship kindly let me know. u can mail me at u2balaji@yahoo.com
got that sinkin' feeling again.
balls.


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Stop the world -- I want to get off !

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Behind every fortune, there is a crime.
Behind every crime, there is a Fortune 500 company.

FAQ-ME

hi there, balls here, alive and hangin'
hey guys 'n gals, am gonna start a new section called FAQ-ME
u know, whenever i meet someone who is a non-sailor, one of the
questions the person asks me is abt knots & nautical miles, thought i'd post the info, thus we have FAQ-ME (frequently asked questions on marine engineering ) a nautical mile is the unit of distance over sea.
one nautical mile equals 1852 metres. the funda is like this, 1852 metres is the distance between two longitudinal minute lines measured at the equator ( minute as in the subdivisional unit of degrees, 60 minutes equal a degree ) so when u multiply 360 degrees x 60 minutes x 1852 metres u will get the circumference of the equator.
a knot is the unit of speed. one knot equals one nautical mile per
hour.
hmmm ... so whenever in doubt, just FAQ-ME. i will try to use my
resources and mail the info.
cheerio.
balls.

p.s. : oh, by the way, i cleared my exams. i am a 4th engineer now !

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In the adult version of Snow White ...
the wicked queen says " Mirror Mirror on the ceiling ... "

Moving out

hi there, balls here ... ( uh, u know the rest!)
i will be shifting base to mumbai next week. the prep course i am on is nearing the end. it was informative and fun.
ok, trivia for the day :
what do you get if u put 23 sailors in one room ?
seamen, lotsa seamen !
not to mention a very colourful vocabulary. had quite a few interesting characters, like Mr. D. buggerkeeps asking doubts. A conversation with him would start with a question, end with a question with lots of questions in between. if he was a cross dresser, we would have called him Mrs.Doubtfire. Sometimes, the questions are brilliant, makes u wonder, how a brain like his could come up with such a thing; and sometimes they are too fuckin' silly, again makes u wonder, how anybody with a brain at all, could come up with such a thing. Then there was this sardar. if u ask him where he's from, he'd start "actually, i ..." and give u all the places in north india where he'd resided and then finish with " am from patiala in punjab in india." our paaji was in love with a soni kudi but the kudi seems to have said ta ta bye bye to paaji and got herself engaged to another sardar, also from patiala in punjab in india. never a dull moment in the class.
well, i am stayin at J.Lo's ( not the latino babe but Jayanthi Lodge). its pretty near Parrys bus stand, a few minutes of jay-walking ought to bring u to J.Lo's. Recently, J.Lo. had an erection (ok, so whats this, Ripley's believe it or not ? ) nay, those people from Hutch erected their tower. so its easy to spot the building, sticks out like a sore dick. no point coming on weekdays, i'd be away, busy with the prep course. no point coming on weekends, i am usually away with my sailor friends. any other day, u r most welcome.
cheerio.
balls.

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p.s. : I must stop writing post scripts

heartbreak

hi there, balls here, alive and kinda heart broken

the other day i was hangin' around cochin. thought i'll buy a collection of short stories. i found this little library and stepped in. there was this cute girl who was asking the librarian's opinion. she couldnt decide between Sidney sheldon's Tell me your dreams and John grisham's The Brethren. wanting to help her out, i asked her to pick the John grisham book, told her that Tell me your dreams was a bad case of multiple personality disorder and if at all she was interested in MPD, she could try Primal fear by william diehl. she almost let out a scream, said "u dint have to tell me that". oh man, did i feel clumsy or what. only wanted to help her. dint realise i let out the storyline of not one but two books that she hadnt read. kept apologising till the scene got pretty lousy. we decided to step out. we got talking. told me her name was ishika. "you can call me ish" she said. reminded me of apna aishwarya who says "iisshhh" very often in the movie devdas. we talked about this and that, then got back to this [ i wonder if that proves the world goes round, food for thought, eh ? ] anyway, she told me sheldon was her favourite author, which got me apologising again. was glad when the conversation shifted to Ronaldo's haircut and why Beckham dint bend it this time. was getting to like her actually. earlier on, i had come across a coffee pub. thought i'll ask her out. i was just going to, when it fuckin' started raining.
damn, i dint even see it coming. Rain stopped play. she quickly said goodbye, got into an auto parked near us and left. iisshh ...
moral of the story : make hay while the sun shines. maybe i wasted too much time talking about football. Everybody was plotting against me -- first the rain gods and then the auto driver who seemed to me some kindof designated chauffeur, waiting to take her away. felt like Yossarian of Catch - 22. now, dont tell me there are plenty of fish in the sea, i should know that better, eh, am spending so much time at sea.
well, am now in chennai. yeah right. still on the indian coast. work apart, things are cool on board. moving to vizag tomorrow.
will keep in touch.
balls.

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Behind every dead sailor, you'll find a woman who had pushed him
overboard !

discovery channel

hi there, balls here, alive and hangin'

This is a sequel to my previous mail. I didn't want to feature in this,
but like the nymphomaniac screamed, i had to "come again".

last time u were watching BBC. this time u are watching the Discovery Channel. I made 2 startling discoveries.

Discovery No. 1 :
last weekend, my bro was sick and went to see a doctor. The doctor couldn't find out what exactly he was suffering from. He asked my bro,"Have u had this before ?" my bro replied yes. the doctor said," well u have got it again,". And so the diagnosis being complete, he was hospitalised for 4 days. while i was there, i could lay my hands on a stethescope. i put it on and tried to hear my heart beat. no luck. i checked all over my chest, still no sound. i even have a faint recollection of checking much lower, around my stomach. that reminds me, i am kinda hungry. i'll go grab some grub. don't go anywhere.
( i have said this before and i will say it again : scroll down )














hi, i am back. like i was sayin', i just couldn't hear my heart beat. it got me worried, it got me thinkin'. maybe i didn't have a heart. maybe i didn't belong to earth. maybe i was one of those so called "intelligent life forms" from outer space. but then, since i have contacted earth, i couldn't be very intelligent, could i? later i found out from the nurse that the stethescope was broken. so whats discovery no. 1, you might wonder. No, we still haven't found out why my bro was hospitalised and i still don't know if i have a heart. that leaves just one thing.
discovery no. 1 was that the steth had no scope at all.

Discovery no. 2 :
This discovery is much more startling. mind boggling, if u know what i mean, although it has nothing to do with the mind, more to do with the arsehole. I had suspected it all along, but confirmed it only recently. There's plenty of homosexuality on board merchant marine ships. Ten Thousand Thundering Typhoons !! i never thought my career at sea would turn out to be a big "pain in the ass". gotta be careful about leaving my rear exposed. maybe i'll wear my cap the other way round. that might confuse any funny guy with even funnier ideas. still its no laughing
matter.

Join the navy, they said.
Its a man's life, they said.
Man's life indeed.

Life don't sucketh no more. ( we got seamen to do that)
seamen ??? Too many coincidences !!

God save Balls. ( Any resemblance to any country's national anthem is purely intentional. also its kinda funny, cos i ain't religious. i guess i'll have to save my balls myself. So help me God )

luv ya.
balls.

p.s. : after i move to mumbai, i doubt i will be on the Net much. so i guess my mails r gonna get shorter. u can call them my shortcomings.

Balls Banega Crorepati

You ain't heard nuthin' yet, folks. Listen to this.

This is the STAR TV network and you are watching BBC,
that is, Balls Banega Crorepati, the game show with a
difference. You play the game, but Balls gets to win
the money. Ain't it cool.

The rules are simple. You will be asked a question,
given 4 choices -- one is correct, 3 are incorrect.

Million Dollar Question:

Balls attended an interview and medical. What happened
next.

1. Balls got recruited.

2. Balls thought the HR guy looked like a fish. You
can always hear Balls think. HR guy did. Got chucked
out, alright.

3. The HR guy made an indecent proposal. The rest, as
they say, is disgusting.

4. (censored)

5. ( tee hee hee, this is just to confuse u ) All the
above.

You don't have any lifelines. The previous contestant
exhausted your share of lifelines too. So there. Take
your pick.

U say : Choice (1) Balls got recruited.

I say : Are you sure?

U say : Yes.

I say : Confident?

U say : Yes.

I say : Tho lock kiya jaaye?

U say : Yes.

I say : Computerji, Choice (1) ko lock kiya jaaye.

After 5.678 seconds of theatrics,

I say : Hum lenge chhota sa break. we'll be right
back.

( In other words, scroll down )
















Choice (1) is correct answer. Balls got recruited.

CONGRATULATIONS. You now owe Balls a million dollars.

Wiser Counsel ( a juicy kick on the butt ) having
prevailed, Balls has decided to release you from the
debt and is also shelling out some moolah.

To get your prize money mail Balls. Of course, there
is a catch. Oh Yeah !! the Catch 22. All you gotta do
is complete the slogan " I love Balls because ... " in
not more than 20,000 words and mail it to
u2balaji@yahoo.com

Okay. Jokes apart.
I am very happy to announce ( jeez, that reminds me of
my school Princi ) that I got recruited by Shipping
Corporation of India. My training begins November 1st
in Mumbai. I will be trained for a year and later put
on a Ship. To be a Sailor was the only thing I have
ever wanted Truli, Madli, Deepli. Xcuse my spellink
misstakes, cos I am like really happy, I am jumpin' up
and down and You can jolly well imagine how dashed
difficult it is to jump up and down and type a mail at
the same time.